Content Warning: trauma such as childhood neglect, religious shame, and identity loss

CHILDHOOD TRAUMA: neglect, inherited shame

In my childhood, adolescence, and young adulthood, I was mostly in a dissociative state because I was emotionally starved for connection, meaning, and worthiness. The childhood neglect I experienced manifested in an undeveloped identity and a severe aching for affection. I didn’t have access to authenticity, pleasure, or knowledge in my household because of social conditionings and systemic factors that my parents experienced and in/directly upheld in their personal lives, thus their parenting styles were affected and driven by fear. Shame ran rampant in the lineage of my family and culture of origin that it was the foundation for me to exist upon before I was born: secrecy, isolation, silence, judgment, control, invisibility, scarcity, and repression. These pillars of my upbringing shaped the way I behaved in the world and believed myself to be: no one.

RELIGIOUS TRAUMA: repressed identity, shame

The adoption of Christianity from my parents only exacerbated this shame. The teachings I received from church about divinity was that I was innately unworthy and there was nothing I could do to change that, so I needed to accept this higher being yet human being as my savior. This religious institution spiraled me into a deeper disconnection to myself through the practice of seeking this supernatural and elusive external source, called God, to save my worth and find my purpose. The main message I was conditioned to believe under this religious institution was that, at the very core of my existence, who I am, what I do, and what I want is wrong, filthy, and faulty; that I am someone who needs to be fixed for the rest of my life.

SOCIAL TRAUMA: isolation

Cultivating friendships was prohibited because my parents feared the dangers of the world. I was only allowed to have friends who checked off on their approval list. Most social interactions with extended family were a blur since I was one of the middle children; aka, I was either unknown, misunderstood, or taken for granted by the adults. Being forced to play with and be best friends with cousins also felt unnatural and awkward. The everyday experience of being sheltered and the impact of not being seen rooted me deeper in isolation and dissociation. The people I saw that received social acceptance, recognition, admiration, and respect did not look or act like me, so I felt a deep sense of disdain for who I naturally was and wished to be someone other than myself. Even with a few cherished and genuine friendships, I often felt that I could never belong with my peers because I just felt different from everyone else on a soul level, only making me feel more othered and with self-loathe.

EDUCATION TRAUMA: underdevelopment

My learning style was also not compatible with the dominant education system where I had to sit in class all day and listen to lectures, do homework by reading textbooks, and prove my knowledge through tests. I did not enjoy school because my mental stimulation was untapped. The only subject I felt excited about was art because I got to use my hands, create with color, and play with textures. I got to make things from my heart through my hands. I put in effort to experience the projects and often felt pride in my work, but art was only offered sporadically instead of daily, so my inner creative became dormant. Other than art class, my favorite place to be in school was the library. I got to be by myself with books in pure silence. Browsing books, being in between the aisles or in the furthest corner, and accidentally getting lost in reading a novel that I was only intending to read the back cover was my happy place; that is of course until my class had to leave. It always felt short-lived, but maybe it felt like that because I was enjoying the present moment. My parents, teachers, and other adult figures didn’t require me to achieve in school, so I didn’t have the burden of high performance. However, their lack of support and encouragement in my studies/interests created emotional damage where I learned to neglect my passions, struggled to recognize my gifts, and felt alone in this world.

ADULTHOOD TRAUMA: identity crisis, relational fallouts

In my 20s, I was extremely numb and lost. I felt a deep sense of betrayal, uncertainty, and emotional shock from many life experiences such as identity crises, school work and career, and relational fallouts. I didn’t know who I was. When I thought I knew who I was, I felt an overwhelming doubt if it was truly me. I didn’t know who to trust, and furthermore, I didn’t know how to trust myself. I became wrecked with this pressure to figure out my life and figure out who I am; to know exactly what my life purpose was and how to skip the beginner stage and just be an expert in my career. My relational hunger and depression was a constant void; it was my norm. I only knew I was sad because feeling happy was a rare occurrence. There were many chapters of my life where I cried and cried and cried. There were many other chapters of my life where I couldn’t cry at all. During these years, I felt the most alone, scared, and hurt in my life, yet the most empowered and determined to break free. With so much pain yet so much desire, the core beliefs I had about myself kept me trapped in this cycle of doubt and disconnection.

HEALING TRAUMA: exploring my emotions & self-expression

Even in the many layers of trauma, my intuition led me to people and experiences that were life-saving; evidence that my soul always knew how to redirect me. All of these experiences were/still can be confusing, painful, lonely, brave, validating, and liberating. I have renounced the religious institution from my upbringing and reconnected to my spirit through the systems of nature. I didn’t pursue the career I got a degree in and instead I created a business from my creative and spiritual self-care practices. I removed myself from dysfunctional unstable support systems and learned to discern safety and be consistently vulnerable with deserving people. The most impactful, I learned that I am a survivor of maternal narcissistic abuse and have committed to this life-long journey of recovery, identity reformation/detachment, and soul alignment.

It has been quite a journey so far and I am able to continue charting my path through healing modalities such as journaling, drawing, painting, hand crafting, meditating, planning, gaming, reading, learning, dancing, humming, cleaning, resting, playing, laughing, loving, wanting, and divining. These are the many tools that help me feel and create meaning in my life. They have truly set my healing journey in motion and have changed the trajectory of my life to where I am today: able to receive lessons, able to release pain, able to dream again, and able to hold all of the unfolding parts of myself. I am on a forever homecoming of remembering my divinity, reclaiming my intuition, practicing my sovereignty, and embodying my wisdom. Learning to come out of the dissociative state and express myself from the reflective state, I am grounded in the truth of me. For the first time in my life, I am not only just grateful to be alive, but I am also excited to be here. I am giving. I am receiving. I am reconnecting. I am willing. And I am here to offer you the same invitation. Thank you for witnessing me and being here with me // Moon